2016

Heart wants what the heart wants.

And it's you.

'So that you can come back..'

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”

― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

It's been a year. I don't remember what exactly i did in this very moment last year. All i know is that now i am here, in my room in Wismar, sit under a very dim light, under the influence of a few days old insomnia, preparing my self to go home in 2 weeks. 

I don't even know where my home is. One big luggage one small luggage and one hand bag, that's what i strictly keep reminding myself to have as my whole life treasures. Cut my tie with every single cute little things that I’d better not bring home. I wonder when will it be over. I wonder when can i start to collect that tiny little ceramic bunny without worrying where to stored it.

I've been away for the whole year and thinking, chasing this and that, falling, upside down. 

Some says that you need to be lost to find yourself. And at the end, i decide to go back, not because i have lost, but because i find what i wanted the most

To be near to the people I love. Little by little, closer to the place that i can call my own home.

In searching of home,

-f

Thunderstorm

There is thunderstorm out there.

Probably the first in a year.

The sound of rain on my window.

The striking flash and the rumble in the sky.

It reminds me of home.

It reminds me of you.

And all the chance that i let go to let you know.
All the courage that always seems to boil away.
All the time that never been right.
All the excuse that always seems to be true.


-f

Guide to 2014

Hey there, 2014.

I spent my whole 1st January 2014 in bed, trying to survived from hang over.

I.won't.drink.anymore. that's my first 2014 resolution (at least for some cases)

I'm no good with resolution, so i will just list the impression of 2013 to remind my future self to not fall into the same foolishness in the past.

2013 was a year full of surprises. Never thought that i will really start something here in Europe, living miserably under the gloomy weather in a student dormitory in some village on Northern Germany. Well hey, that's what i choose over a luxury life in other part of the world. If what doesn't kill you make you stronger, then i can feel superman grow up little by little inside me. And i know it's worth it.

2013 was a year where i learn about option and it's consequences. It was full of up and down. It was exactly what happened a year a go that bring me here at the exact moment. Who knew some stupid text can teach you a lot of thing about life?

2013, i learnt that some dream don't come true, no matter how perfect the sign was. When it's not meant to be, it is not, and that's the end of it. All you need to do is bitch slap yourself hard in the face and wake up.

2013, i learnt that 5 years is long enough to say enough. Time to stop looking back and go forth. Nobody said it's gonna be easy, but hey, keep going, you'll make it.

2013, i was really hard to my self and consider too much about people opinion, i feel it is getting hard and harder to breath because i'm trying to be who i'm not. Your life is yours and yours only, try to impress yourself, not others.

2013, i learnt to embrace what i have and be grateful about it. Life is wonderful. Happiness is a mindset. Family is important. Love make you stupid.

2013, Don't believe the internet. Never. (unless your due tomorrow paper relies on Wikipedia)

2013, I'm not a popular nor social person, but hey, i don't hate people, i'm a nerd who loves book,story, live concert and pets. I'm a quirky and a weirdo in my own way. And i have my peace with that fact.

2013, I'm a Pisces, i follow the flow to where it takes me, but i have my gut, fight the current if i have to. I know i will always getting better and better.

2013, I feel old when i was 25.I feel old when i'm 27.  Then i thought, what the heck, why do i keep worrying about my age?

2013, castle is not built in one day, unless Sangkuriang build it. Habit forms behavior. Bad habit won't be gone in just a day. Not even because of new year. So work on it, people.

So, am i ready for 2014? Totally.


F-for fight fight fight!

Wismar 2014

Advice from the Land of Morning Calm

I've been keeping the question for years.

It's just the matter of yes and yo.

Simple choice that held my life for years back.

It was night, after midnight.

We were walking.

We were talking, about them, about our past.

It was on the tip of my tongue, so i just throw it out.

'If one day, one day it happen, would you?'

And i still remember clearly your wise words.

'I won’t’

‘because ....love doesn't have to be seen only from one perspective..'

It's that simple.

Night at Lyon walk

-F

Xmas note

Two birds sitting on the tree.
'I want to go home', the bird with the blue wings said.
'Then go, nothing holds you', the grey bird replied
'I want to go home', blue bird repeating itself
'Go', grey bird said
'I'm scared to fly', said the blue

25 dec 13,Hamburg
-F

Je'taime

Big or small house, i don't care, as long as i can called it home.

A warm home, with a lot of our pictures.

An old books, of course, and our cute little figurines.

Your annoying stacks of cd games.   And tons of my annoying make up stash.

Messy warddrobe. 

White tshirts, hundred different printings, as you like it. And a piles of clothes that i've never wear.

Tv, computer, game consoles, all the technological idea that you had in your head that i will never ever think about.

Small kitchen, with tons of our favourite unhealthy instant noodles.

This will be the last, we said, but no, we know we will never have enough of it, just like how we need each other.

You, and two cup instant noodles in a rainy weather, that's what meant the world for me.

Lyon.081213

-f

Mom

Mom is.. a warm hand that braid my hair everytime i go to school

Mom is.. a warm bread with a sweet chocolate spread every morning

Mom is.. a warm hug every time i cried.

Mom is.. a warm smile every time i'm home

For every time you give, you will always be my everything, Mom.

-F

Ps.I love you

I remember

I remember the day.

We were walking.

And do the talking.

I remember the day,

Your eyes were sparkling

And it made my heart tingling.

I remember the day,

when the birds are always singing.

and all the butterflies are flying.

I remember the day,

when the phones no longer ringing.

And i know something missing.

-F

p.s i miss you

04.10.13

End will be the right word,

if this even have a beginning.

Live in words.

In the world full of sentences.

It starts from a theory.

A story,

and a 5 years memory.

Tomorrow, it have to be a history

The cue has arrived.

Time to say goodbye.

Thank you, it's never a play time for me.

Farewell, words will always be with you.

Baby,baby,baby,oooh!

At the end of the dream.
There were 3 of us sitting in the car.
It was dark.
We were about to go somewhere.
I sit on the passenger seat, I remember holding him dearly.
Smelling his hair.
Blue hooded jacket and a pair of greenish trouser.
He is 2 years old.
So warm and small.
I remember looking into his watery eyes.
And holding him tighter.


I still feel his warmth when i woke up.
But he's not there. Of course he is not. Not yet.
I close my eyes and secretly whisper to the One above.
I hope to see you soon, son.

F-